Simpsons Quotes

Best quotes at the top, less good at the bottom (obviously none of them are bad) - scroll to the bottom to add a quote.

[after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends]
Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer: [pointing a finger] And you remember
Homer: Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy: [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

Homer:You in charge here?
Mr. Burns:Yes.
Smithers:I'll call security sir.
Homer:If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns:Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers:But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns:I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.
Homer:You mean?
Mr. Burns:Son you're hired. What's your name?
Homer:Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns:Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.
Homer:WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

Homer:Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall!

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:Then there was the time I guest-starred on "The Cosby Show".
Cliff Huxtable:Kids, this is your Grandpa Murphy.
Rudy Huxtable:But we've got three grandpas already.
Cliff Huxtable:This one's the famous jazz musician.
Rudy Huxtable:Ah, they all are.
Cliff Huxtable:Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about. Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding... no, that's not it. Jazz is like Kodak film... no, that's not right neither. I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke - it'll be around forever.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy:Sigh.

Homer:[playing basketball] You da man Carl! I believe you can fly!
Carl:You know I'm so sick of peope thinking I'm good at basketball just cause I'm African-American.
Carl:[Carl slam-dunks the ball; breaking the backboard] Go Carl! Go Carl! It's ma birthday! It's ma birthday! 3P you got mail baby!

[after writing a death threat to Bart in blood, Bob starts writing another letter with his bleeding finger]
Sideshow Bob:"Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me..."
[as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk]
Snake:Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Marge:I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
Homer:[to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
Homer:I forget. But the point is...
Homer:I forget that, too.
[to Marge]
Homer:Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

Bart:Hey, Lis. I think I got your lunch.
[He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag: "I Am Very Proud Of You"]
Lisa:Oh yeah, I didn't think this was mine.
[She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag: "Be Good. For The Love Of God, Please Be Good"]

Lenin Zombie:Must crush capitalism!

Groundskeeper Willie:Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
Wendel:I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper Willie:That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.

Lisa:Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer:No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is.
Homer:Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
Lisa:It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer:Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
[getting mad]
Homer:He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa:Sour grapes.
Homer:Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

Krusty the Clown:Hand over all your money in a paper bag!
Apu:Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Herman:When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
Bart:Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman:Well, I'd rather they say, "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Bart:Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher:For the last time, Bart, yes!

Homer: D'oh!

[Homer gets shot with a tranquilizer dart]
Bart:Dad! Oh, Dad!
Homer:Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.
[starts snoring loudly]

Bart:Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?
Lisa:Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.
Bart:Right, I am a pawn.

Bart:I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it. But I need your help.
Lisa:You do? Why?
Bart:Oh, come on, you know why.
Lisa:No, why?
Bart:I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.

[browsing the card catalog]
Lisa:Let's see, Golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese Obsession With... Ah, here it is: Putting.

Lisa:Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you.
Bart:Thanks, man.

[preparing for the big miniature golf tournament]
Lisa:Eighth hole.
Bart:Aim for the octopus's third tentacle.
Lisa:Twelfth hole.
Bart:Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Bart:A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.

[Marge suggests they go out for sushi]
Bart:Sushi? Maybe this is just something one hears on the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
Lisa:As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely.

[the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr. Riviera's competence]
Marge:I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Homer:[whispering] Will that hold up in court?
Lionel Hutz:No, I've tried it.

Lawyer:Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
Mr. Burns:I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

Principal Skinner:The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!

[the TV image is shaky]
Homer:Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.
[he hits the TV, and the picture goes fuzzy]
Bart:Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Principal Skinner:Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so, and you will be suspended.

Grampa:I miss Bea.
[Bea's ghost appears next to him]
Beatrice Simmons:I miss you, too.
[Grampa screams]
Beatrice Simmons:Oh, Abraham, calm down, I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.
Grampa:Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

Doctor:Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and... bladder hostility.
Marge:Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
Doctor:You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!

Marge:Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

[at an amusement park, Grandpa is visited by the ghost of his girlfriend]
Grampa:Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you: what was death like?
[the roller coaster reaches the top]
Beatrice Simmons:Not as scary as this!

[Homer is in a burlesque house. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side]
Homer:[reading the caption] "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs. Eisenhower."

Bart:AAH! You ate my homework?... I didn't know dogs really did that.

[President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours']
Dr. Julius Hibbert:[confused] I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours?
George Bush:[annoyed] No, its not Bar and me. It's them!
[Bush points at the Simpsons' house]
Ned Flanders:Who, Maude and me?
George Bush:No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.
[calls in to his wife, Barbara]
George Bush:Bar, what's the name of the man?
Barbara Bush:[calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George!

Rod Flanders:Are you jealous of Brother Homer?
Ned Flanders:Maybe just a little bit.
Rod Flanders:I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses.
Ned Flanders:One problem at a time, boy.

Bart:I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

[Lisa is worried about her science project]
Homer:Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.
Lisa:Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer:Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Homer:What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

Bender:Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer:You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]

Homer:We're here, we're Queer, and we don't want any more bears!

Homer:Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
Employee:Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents.
Bart:Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.
Homer:Yeah, but your mom paid for that!
Bart:But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer:And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Principal Skinner:[over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner:Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.

Marge:Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight!
Homer:Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge:With cans of grease?
Homer:[sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease.

Homer:It's true, I'm a rageoholic! I just can't get enough RAGEOHOL!

Homer:Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino.
Employee:Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
Homer:[Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year?

Bart:Bart no like. Bad medicine

[Apu is shot]
Apu: Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying

Father Sean:[recalling what St. Peter said to him] Sean, you wanker, repent of your sins or sod off.

Reverend Lovejoy:[to Father Sean] back off, Popey Le Pew!

Lisa:Dad, look!
Lisa:[Holds TV up]
Homer:Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer:[lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
[Family sighs]
Homer:Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards:[on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart:[With difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer:Can't! frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people..."]
Homer:[Family screams]
Homer:Urge to kill... rising...

Chief Wiggum:I want to hallucinate, too!

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